“What are you watching?” asked Rose, peering over the Doctor's shoulder at the monitor.

The Doctor shrugged.  “'S not bad,” he said, “it's sort of a deep-space soap opera.”

“Yeah?” said Rose, sitting down beside him, “What's the story then?”

He squinted a bit, thinking of how to explain, “From what I can tell, that purple blob over there is, pregnant?  Expecting offspring anyway, and that one, the orange fuzzy one, she thinks that's the father, only it's not because it was his twin brother what snogged her when she was drunk and depressed over her purpley-blob mother trying to kill her green pointy step-father, who is now in a coma.”

Rose looked at him, rather amazed, “And you got all that in one sitting?”  The Doctor smiled rather guiltily.  “How many episodes have you seen...?”

“Only about half a series I think, though I could be wrong seeing how I don't know how long Jarden series are...”

“Addict.”

“Am not,” said The Doctor, frowning, “I only watch when we've got downtime.”

“I am not enough to keep you entertained?” asked Rose indignantly, “If you want to sit around just watching telly, I could drop you off at the Estate and go on adventures.  You could sit and keep my Mum company, have a cuppa, watch your soaps...”.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes, “Give it five minutes.”

The Doctor stretched his arms, letting them fall over the back of the couch, “Five minutes, feh.”  It didn't even take that long for the show to grab Rose's attention.  Soon, she was leaning forward, her eyes alight with interest.  “I cannot believe this, she doesn't even know he's not her boyfriend and she's lying to her mother about the relationship she's not even having!”

“I know, it's great. My question is, is the stepfather coming out of the coma and if he does, is he going to tell them that he's her boyfriend's father?”

“Might not come out of the coma.”

“Where's the fun in that?”

Rose smiled, “You're really getting into this, eh?”

“What, me?  Like television?  No, I prefer my experience to be a bit more interactive.”

“If you want, we can go visit my Mum, it'll be just like this, and interactive.”

The Doctor made a face, but then seemed to brighten, “She does look a lot like that purpley-blob's mum.  Didn't want to say it, but now that you've brought it up...”

“Brought it up twice, actually...” said Rose, failing at being casual now.

The Doctor sighed, “You really want to go home?  Again?”

The two watched as the purple blob mother smacked the orange fuzzy boyfriend across what they assumed was his face and the Doctor touched his own face, the side where Rose's mother had smacked him the first time he'd brought Rose home.  “It's Mum's birthday coming up and she'll be more than a little angry if I miss it...”

“This,” said the Doctor, motioning to the ship around them, “is capable of time travel.  Thus, it doesn't matter if we miss it; we can come back to it like we were always there.  Don't see why we have to go see your mum right now...”

“Look,” said Rose, no longer paying attention to the soap, “she might not know that I missed it, but I'd know and I'd feel bad...”

“And that would be my fault, would it?”

“Yeah.”

The Doctor knit his brow, “Why do to you have to try to make everything so domestic?”

“Why do you have to be so afraid of my mum?”

“'M not afraid of your mum, just, busy is all...”

Rose raised an eyebrow, “Yeah, busy watching soaps.”

“Busy policing the universe is more like it.  Can't remember the last time I had a proper holiday.”

“Well, when we...”

“Do not try and convince me that visiting your mum is going to be any sort of vacation.  Might be for you, but you don't have to play the boyfriend your mum disapproves of.”

Rose grinned, “You're not my boyfriend.”

“Tell your mum that.”

“If we go this time, I promise, we won't have to go again for... a while.”

“And just how long is 'a while'?” asked the Doctor incredulously.

“Not until Christmas, or until she nags so much that she threatens to drive me mad. Whichever happens to come first.”

***

After much further nagging and conjoleing, Rose finally convinced the Doctor to take her to see her mother, though he refused to come in for tea, even though he was promised his favorite cookies.  “Always have to go making things domestic,” he said, “and no biscuit, no, no box of biscuits is going to convince me that I'm not going to be slapped or made ill by the sappy sentiment in there.”

Rose sighed, both amused and annoyed by his childish attitude.  “At least come in and wish her a happy birthday.  No reason to be rude about it.”

“'M not being rude about anything,” said the Doctor, crossing his arms, “probably more rude to show up, seeing how much she enjoys herself when I'm around.”

“She enjoys herself enough, I think the complaining gives her something to do.  It'll only take a second and then you can come back and moon around the TARDIS for an hour or so.  Then we'll go again.”

“You're not going to let this go, are you?”

Rose smiled her sweetest smile.  “No, 'm not.”

***

Even before the Doctor walked in the door, the flat had been full of unhappy people.  Jackie had never felt so flustered, and on her birthday of all days.  All around the room, guests looked uncomfortable or angry, and she was passing drinks around, but alcohol was probably the last thing this party needed.  There had been a mix up and Tom from the butcher's, Harold, the green grocer and David, the pizza boy from the takeaway down the road had all come to wish her a happy birthday.  They had not previously known of each other, aside from in the professional sense and were understandably weary.  Meanwhile, Penelope, Jackie's friend from down the way, was in a row with her husband and her daughter.  Thankfully, Jackie had never been too fond of Penelope's husband and he hadn't shown up, but Marcie, the daughter, had, and she and her mother went from glaring at each other for long intervals to underhanded and hushed conversations, sprinkled with hisses of spite.  All in all, the energies in the flat were nasty, almost reaching the breaking point.  

And then the Doctor made his entrance.

“Hello, hello!” he said, following Rose into the flat, “Don't worry; I'm here, the party can...” he looked around at all the annoyed faces and the apparent lack of cheer, “begin...”

“Hello, sweetheart!” Jackie exclaimed as she hugged her daughter and then whispered, eying the Doctor, “What did you bring him for?”

“He came to wish you a happy birthday,” said Rose, trying to ignore the fact that all of the men in the room were glaring daggers at her friend, “What, exactly, is going on?” she asked in hushed tones.

“Who's this bloke, Jackie?” asked Tom, whose tone indicated that he did not want any more competition.

“Oh,” said Jackie nervously, “this is, um, my Rose's boyfriend...”  All the men in the room seemed to relax a little bit.

Rose was about to mention once again that the Doctor was not, in fact, her boyfriend, but was hushed.  It was obvious Jackie didn't want some sort of coup to take place in the flat.  Rose ushered the Doctor into the kitchen and closed the door behind them.  “I was joking when I said this would be like the soap...” she said, looking decidedly worried.

The Doctor was grinning, “Might be more entertaining.”

“Probably more like trouble. Mickey said once he thought something like this would happen...”

“We're not throwing Mickey into the mix now, are we?”  Rose shook her head and the Doctor's grin seemed to grow.  He clapped his hands together, “Well then, let's go out there and enjoy Jackie's special day, shall we?”

***

Rose made a brave attempt to stick by her mother and defuse the situation, but there wasn't too much hope for that it seemed.  Every man in the room seemed to know what was going on, but none of them wanted to voice their suspicions and thus, make them true.  This made for some very awkward conversations about the weather and various football teams and their various standings against other various football teams.  Penelope and Marcie continued their slow, hissing boil, shooting each other dirty looks across the room.  The only time Penelope seemed to brighten was when Harold came over to see if she needed anything more to drink.  The Doctor noticed that he touched her hand when he took her glass.  More importantly, she blushed.  “What's going on with them, then?” he asked Rose quietly.

“Well-known fact that those two are at least thinking about having an affair,” said Rose, putting little pieces of cheese and crackers on a plate to put out on the table amongst the human-barracuda.  Snacks and drink didn't seem to stand a snowball's chance in hell around this congregation of floundering guests.

The Doctor nodded over at Marcie, who was glaring at the two from across the room, “And who's taken the jam out of her dough nut?”

Rose sighed, “Marcie was in hospital recently,” she noticed the Doctor didn't look worried at all and added, “she's fine, by the way.  Anyway, they did some tests and, rumor has it, something odd turned up regarding her blood type.  And her father's blood type.  I hear she isn't exactly happy about it.”

“Well, that's fairly obvious.”

“Rose,” said Jackie pointedly, “hurry up, they can't talk to each other if they've got more in their mouths than words!”

Rose laughed after her mother had gone.  “I think this is, by far, the worst party she's ever managed.”

The Doctor chuckled, “I think even the Slitheen would be uncomfortable in this room...”

Across the sitting room, they could both see Tom growing redder and redder with each drink.  Jackie made a futile attempt to cut him off, but it was too late for that.  Even the Doctor went over to have a word with him.  “Had enough, have you?” he asked.  “How about a nice cuppa tea?”

“No,” said Tom, “Dun' think there's enough tea in China to make me forget enough...”

The Doctor whistled, “Could be some strong tea...”  Mid-conversation and red as a beet, the butcher walked over to where Penelope and Harold were deep in conversation and butted right in.  “Nell,” he said unsteadily, “'s been much too long.”

“Not now, Tom,” said Penelope, looking decidedly annoyed.

“Yeah, mate,” said Harold, still in good humor, “go back to your drink.  Or, better yet, go back to your wife.”

“'M not going anywhere!” cried Tom, “Nell!  I'm sorry I left you!”

“Not now, Tom!” hissed Penelope, “This is not the place for this!”

“No!  'M sorry I left you when you were expecting...!”

“What?!” demanded Harold, looking more and more angry.

“You're the one?!” demanded Marcie from across the room.  She knocked over her drink and nobody seemed to notice, “You're my father?!”

“Yes!” exclaimed the drunken butcher, “'M your father an' I love you!”

“Dad!” exclaimed Dave, who had been remarkably quiet, “What are you going on about?”

“Tha's your half-sister!  You have a sister m' boy!”

Dave and Marcie stared at each other like they were going to be sick.  Rose looked at her mother slightly incredulously, “You're seeing the butcher and his son?”

Jackie looked just as surprised as everyone else, “I didn't know.  Dave's last name isn't Brown, it's Stevenson.”

“Stevenson's his mother's name.  M' first wife's...”

“I think I'm going to throw up!” exclaimed Marcie, bracing herself on a nearby chair, “we dated for six months!  We even...”

“Oh my God,” said Rose, “this is insane!”

The Doctor was grinning manically, “I know, isn't it fantastic?”

“No!” exclaimed Jackie, who seemed content to just stand back out of the way as the party exploded around them.  This didn't take too long and resulted in Harold and Tom going outside to duke it out.  Marcie fled the scene and Penelope followed worried and confused.  Dave Stevenson-Brown left last of all, taking a bottle of Jackie's finest whiskey with him.

Jackie slumped in a chair, “That was terrible,” she sighed.  “Worst birthday I've ever had.”

“Don't worry Mum,” said Rose, crouching down next to her, “live and learn.  I'm sure next year will be much better.  Just don't invite any of, well, them...”  Jackie still seemed very glum.

“Look at it this way,” said the Doctor, sitting down on the couch across from them.  “It could have been much worse.  They could have blown up at you an' not at each other.”

Both women looked at him, thought for a second and then said, “True?”

***

After helping her mom clean up the flat and calling around to make sure that nobody had done anything terrible, like speak of what had gone on, Rose had never been so grateful to get back to the TARDIS.   Her mother had been annoyed that she was leaving so soon, but she couldn't help it.  The estate was threatening to drive her mad.  

The Doctor actually seemed slightly sad to leave.  “We could stay a few more days,” he said as they headed inside, “might not be a bad idea to keep an eye on the situation.  The whole Marcie/Dave thing seemed pretty complicated.”

“No, no,” said Rose, practically herding the Doctor into the police box, “I think sometimes you just have to let things be. Like this. Definitely this. Let's go on an adventure. Find a new planet, find a new alien plot, find a new kind of tea... let's just go.”

“But tha' was the bes' soap I've ever seen!” Rose gave him a look that might have killed a human man. The Doctor just laughed. “Alright, alright, we're off.”

"Thank goodness," she said, "let's go do something simple, like save the universe."